and then we hit the dog days

And it's August 18. That's smack-dab in the middle of dog days, and I'm a little bewildered. Our August has flown by so fast, I almost don't believe the calendar. Everything has been moving at light speed, and now that I have a chance to slow down and breathe, I feel some melancholy.

My sister Sarah came to visit the first week in August, and we packed our days with Powell's, Mario Kart, outlet shopping, and the coast. Then we turned right around and flew to Denver for a week. We know how I feel about my people, and this trip was no exception. I did so much that I wanted to do, and saw so many people that I wanted to see. Think late-night movies, early birthday cake, fabric shopping, leisurely reading, communal cooking, and easy laughter.

Certainly a part of me was ready to return to our norm after two weeks of vacation mode, though I still woke up this morning with a twinge of loneliness resting in my stomach. I don't think it will ever be easy for me to live so far away from my most-loved people.

Asher, unsurprisingly, reveled in all of the attention. Every night before bed, he'd go through all the family to make sure that they would still be there when he woke up in the morning, and he pretty much had everyone at his beck and call the whole trip. I love seeing my son loved and adored by those whom I love and adore--it feeds my soul.

Now that we've hit the summer dog days, let's keep it that way for a while--at least, if you're like me and don't have any first days of school to contend with. I'm going to live out the month with some more pool days, a couple of birthdays, and late-night TV watching. Cheers.

independence coasting

We spent the Fourth of July at the coast.

This was Asher's first coast trip since entering toddlerhood, and he took it all in perfect stride.

Think sand. Lot and lots of sand.

And kites. Let's not forget how much my Wilson boys love their kites.

We had lunch up at the beach house, and while someone (I'll let you guess which one) needed a little rest, the others headed back down to the beach.

This little guy caught up with everyone in due time.

Obviously.

The grown-ups played games in the sand, and I stole away for a solitary walk in the shallow waves.

I always feel this pull to take as many pictures as I can of the coast, even though they may all look the same.

This place completely overwhelms me sometimes. The Oregon coast is so wild and grand and breathtaking. Every photo captures wonder for me.

I can't get enough of these two. They shine.

My heart is so full watching my two boys. The love I hold for each of them is sublime.

Asher could have spent all day on the beach.

We stayed as long as we possibly could. This boy was in heaven here.

And so was I. Thank you America for this beautiful land, for the continuous waves, for this wonderful, wonder-filled day. This one ranks up with my favorites. Life is just so grand.

finding my center

{Photo from Mom's Instagram @dpw_2012}

We returned from Denver the day before yesterday, and I'm always so reluctant to leave. I can never have enough time with my people. Every minute I'm there I try to soak up those feelings of togetherness and connection and unbridled love.

{from my Instagram @mscharjane}

My people help me find my center. You know, that place in your heart where everything in your life clicks because you've found the center. That's how my people make me feel: centered.

Sitting at the kitchen counter talking with my mom

Driving with my family crammed into the SUV

Snacking on leftover rolls after dinner

Staying up late talking with my dad on the couch

Driving along all those familiar streets

Listening to my sister practice her piano

Going out to dinner at our favorite Mexican place

Kneeling down together in prayer

{screen shot from Mom's IG #obviously}

Watching my son toddle down the hall to my parents' room

Feeling confident in my dad's ability to entertain an 18-month-old so I can go shopping

Sitting down at dinner with just us

Seeing my grandpa and my son meet for the first time

Cleaning up dishes and snacking on dark chocolate peanut butter cups

Knowing that my brother is exactly where he should be

I wish I could find the right words to explain fully the deep emotions I have when I'm with my people. I feel accepted, understood, and known--and centered. I see my purpose more clearly, understand my place in this world. My relationships with my parents and siblings deepen and mature and become increasingly essential to my well being. My people remind me about why I'm here and what I'm here to do. When I'm with them I am so certain about who I am.

Your people may not be your family members. They may be friends or extended family or in-laws. Whoever they are, I hope you have them, your people. Mine mean everything to me.

reliving some highlights

We flew back from Colorado yesterday, a journey which included running up and down the security terminal searching for a lost shoe and a mid-flight toddler temper tantrum. Our return to real life hasn't been much smoother--think thrashing fit in the Costco cart for the entire shopping trip. Goodness.

So I think right now I'd rather relive some of last week's highlights, as the end of December is not proving to be a positive harbinger for the January gloom.

:: Asher and Moosey the dog became fast friends, thanks in large part to Asher feeding Moose every chance he got. He quickly learned to scan the room to ensure secrecy before handing those crackers over to the dog.

:: Asher loves clementines. He ate at least five daily.

:: On Christmas Eve we all sang Christmas carols, and I loved it. Everyone was singing in parts, and it was easily my favorite moment of the evening. (Meanwhile, the baby Jesus was taken to a safe house while the rest of the manger scene sustained several casualties.)

:: We got to see and talk to John in Brazil. Best Christmas gift ever. Obviously.

:: Asher's flannel robe ended up having this samurai look to it, and it makes me giggle every time.

:: We played plenty of rounds of Bang! and the renegade even won a time or two. No matter what my role ends up being in this game, I always secretly root for the renegade.

:: Mom and I started watching Call the Midwife, per the recommendations of a few different friends. It was a little raw at first, but now we're both hooked.

:: My Christmas outfit made a second debut (the first being the Sunday before we left town)--silver houndstooth pencil skirt with pale mint silk charmuese blouse, both garments handmade. The shoes were the inspiration for it all, as well they should be.

:: Asher perfected his horse sound. And his camel sound. (A camel says pt!, in case you were wondering. Just ask the boy.)

:: When left to fiddle on the piano, Asher intuitively knows not only to turn the music pages but also to applaud himself.

Currently I'm having a bad time of the last-week-at-this-time game, and I'm pretty blue about it. I'm dealing with the melancholy by watching more Call the Midwife, reading through some new sewing books, and drinking lots of cocoa. I think I need to commission a private bullet train from Portland to Denver, and then this wouldn't even be a problem. Excuse me while I charm my engineer of a husband to take on this task. . . .

popping in

It's been almost a week since I've posted anything, and especially since my 31 days of gracious living, that's felt like a long time. Josh has used some vacation days, so we've been enjoying him being home all week. And Josh's sister and her husband came into town for Thanksgiving, so we've been spending lots of time over at my in-laws' lazing around, eating leftover stuffing, and playing Bang!

{Martinelli's in a mason jar--obviously. Leftover Thanksgiving is maybe even better than original Thanksgiving}

I hunkered down at home for Black Friday, and Asher rewarded me with taking a three-hour nap (cue the Hallelujah chorus). The only shopping I did was taking advantage of some great online deals with some favorite shops. I've been making Christmas lists for parents and in-laws and eating pie like it's going out of style.

Last night we hired our first-ever paid babysitter so we could go see Catching Fire with the gang, and can I say that that movie was amazing? I loved it. And I'm kind of crushing on Jennifer Lawrence. We still have a couple of days left of vacation, and I think we're going to live it up. I hope that your Thanksgiving was lovely and that you got even just a little bit of vacation.

And remember, eating pie for breakfast is not only acceptable but encouraged. Obviously.

Ayla's Stocking: a post to warm your heart

If you're new to this space, you might not know about Ayla. I've written about her here, here, and briefly here. Ayla is my cousin Julie's daughter, who is almost exactly the same age as Asher. In January of this year, Ayla passed away from bacterial meningitis. This sorrow has affected me and our family in sacred and profound ways. (I wrote about that here.) Her mother, Julie, is a mountain of strength and faith. I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire her.

A couple of weeks ago, Julie announced a project called Ayla's Stocking. Ayla contracted the meningitis just a day or two after Christmas, and so Julie and her family spent the rest of the holidays in the hospital and in hospice. Julie's heart is especially tender for those parents and children who have to spend what should be such a wonderful time in such a not-homey place. She wants to ease the pain of those parents who might never have a normal Christmas with their babes.

{Ayla in her Christmas outfit and Julie}

Julie is collecting small gifts for children who are spending their Christmas in the hospital. Ideas include the following:

:: infant rattles, rings, teething toys
:: gift cards for families to places like Toys R Us, Wal Mart, etc.
:: pajamas of varying sizes
:: craft kits (with enclosed supplies) or small boxes of colored pencils, crayons, markers, etc.
:: musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push-button toys, etc.)
:: slippers for children and adults
:: one-size-fits-all stretchy gloves
:: winter hats (in Canada they're called toques!)
:: books (mostly infant and teen)

If you have other ideas, please feel free to donate those as well! I think this is such a beautiful way to remember Ayla, and if you have room to give, please send your gifts Julie's way. She will be donating all contributions to the hospital that treated Ayla.

I will be collecting items to send, and if you're in the Portland, Oregon, area, we can arrange a time for me to pick up your donations, and I will send them to Canada at the beginning of December. If you aren't around Portland and would still like to contribute to Ayla's Stocking, you can email me for Julie's address. (You can write me at charlottejane17{at}gmail{dot}com. You can find Julie's blog here.)

Ayla's life was short, but profound. I know that I will be forever influenced by her brief time here on earth. I am oh so grateful for the Plan of Happiness, which allows us to be with our families forever--Julie will be with her daughter again someday. Remembering the gift of our Savior--the gift of eternal families--is the best way to celebrate this upcoming season. Nothing is more wonderful.

just look at that spaghetti face

So. The morning of the day I took this photo, I mopped the floor. So much for that, right? I guess it comes with the almost-toddler territory. Lots of things come with family territory, like a husband who has to work late.

Josh has had a huge project with a tight deadline this week, and he's run into almost every obstacle possible. It's made for late nights every night. I know it's so hard for him, and it's also hard for me. It's hard to know that you won't have a break from baby responsibilities because your partner won't be there to offer it. It's hard to know that you won't have an emotional respite because you have to keep things together when your sweet baby keeps throwing his food on the floor and crying when you try to feed him peas. 

I hate to complain, though, because so many people have it so much harder than this. First off, hats off to single moms everywhere because it's hard enough for me to make it barely a workweek without regular husband help, and I don't even have to work to support my family financially. All I have to worry about is getting Asher fed and to bed without help--like that's anything to complain about. And then there are the wives of students or of professionals with highly demanding jobs, who deal with evening absences almost daily. I salute you. Most days Josh is home by 6:00 at the latest, so seriously, life is pretty good.

Actually, life is really good. Some days are hard, and some days Josh and I don't get along super great. Some days that spaghetti all over my newly mopped floor is oh so discouraging. And other days are really great. Other days Josh and I are sappy and in love. Other days the spaghetti floor doesn't matter a whit compared with the joy of that spaghetti face. 

The goodness of those other days outweigh the difficulty of those some days every single time.

tchau, meu irmão

My brother left for his full-time church mission. He'll be gone for two whole years, and our primary method of communicating will be through letters and email. We'll get to talk to him on Christmas and Mothers' Day. I chose not to serve a full-time mission, so I can't say that I can relate fully to anything that he's experiencing right now. In the days leading up to his departure he was a little nervous, but he stayed mostly calm and focused.

Seeing my brother come into his own this way was such a beautiful experience for this older sister. He's still completely himself--witty, laid back, and silly all once--but there was something else there, something only God could give him. He possessed both confidence and humility, and that is a wondrous and powerful combination.

We all cried our fair share of tears, especially the night before he left, but really, this time was more exciting than sad for my family. We (minus Emily who was struck down by the flu) accompanied John to the airport and waited while he got ready to make his way to his plane. All of us gathered around the entrance to the security line and took our turns giving him hugs that will have to last him a long time. My eyes smarted a little, but what I felt was an even greater urge to smile.

We waited at the place in the airport where you can see all the security-cleared passengers go down the escalator to the train to the terminals. When we saw Elder Wood, we waved and smiled like goons and took a million cell phone pictures. Those moments will forever be etched in my heart, because even though I will be apart from my brother for a long time, I feel closer to him than ever before; he is fully engaged in God's work, and a shared love of Jesus Christ is the best glue for a family.

John is in Brazil now, and his mission president at the training center has sent us a few pictures. He looks happy. I pray for him every night and look forward to this time in two years when he'll be back in the States. But I don't need the time to rush by. John's mission is the most important thing he's ever done up to this point, and I want him to savor it and relish it and get lost in it.

You can go here to follow his mission!

I understand

I have this distinct, lone memory of my dad coming in from work, seeing his children together, and tearing up. I don't remember how old I was, or what we were all even doing, but I do remember my father staring at his family with tears in his eyes. And I remember that I didn't understand.

Tonight after we fed Asher his dinner of butternut squash, apples, and ground turkey, we stripped him down to his diaper and proceeded to dance to this song. In that moment, my world stood still and all I saw was beauty. My entire being flooded with love and spilled out my eyes.

I understand now, Dad. I understand why you cried. You saw pure beauty and felt pure love, and you had no other expression for the joy you felt in that exact moment. You embraced it, and you cried.

I understand.

close to heaven

In looking back through this blog, I realized that I never followed up with the story of my cousin Julie and her daughter, Ayla. Ayla passed away on January 15, at a little over four months of age. Julie joined us in Denver for part of our stay and had the opportunity to meet Asher. Her stay was full of tender moments, and we were sweetly reminded that heaven isn't so far away.

When Julie held Asher for the first time, I could see that Asher already knew who she was, Ayla's mother. He gave her big smiles and infectious giggles. We all agreed that Asher knows Ayla, that perhaps he is still close enough to the veil to interact with those on the other side.

Before Julie's arrival, though I was so excited to see her, I was hoping that Asher's presence wouldn't deepen her own pain. Julie expressed to me that on the contrary, Asher not only comforted her but also made her feel more closely connected to her angel babe. As we talked openly of Ayla and her life, I felt myself healed some. We shared both laughs and tears, rejoicing in God's plan of happiness for us.

Babes, whether in this life or in the one beyond, are sacred and precious. Though I felt it impossible, the love I hold for my son deepened further that weekend, for I witnessed the joy he could bring to a still-grieving mother. I feel the holiness of my calling to love and raise this boy. Both he and Ayla came straight from heaven, and both of their lives remind me that heaven is close.

For more about what I believe about mortality, heaven, and families, please visit here.

a very thankful thanksgiving

Whenever I go home and see my family, I feel reunited with a piece of me that can only be found in those Rocky Mountain foothills. Or maybe it's a piece that can be found only with my parents and siblings, regardless of their location.

I experienced so many wonderful moments this past week. All of my siblings met Asher.

My mom and dad got to love on their grandson over and over.

Asher obliged us all with engaging in peek-a-boo.

And he was delightedly thrilled when Josh joined us later in the week.

We indulged in Wood traditions like chocolate turkeys and kitchen dancing.

Mom made delicious food throughout the whole week, including a Biscuit Banquet for John (biscuits are probably his favorite dinner item ever).

And don't forget the many, many rolls, which didn't make it through to Saturday.

We tried our best to help Asher get some sleep during the day, but he would have none of it.

That is, until he would collapse in crying exhaustion.

I hadn't had a Thanksgiving with my family since I got married, so this week was much anticipated and greatly savored.

My life is full--oh so full and beautiful.