road-tripping

Josh and I spent Christmas here in Oregon with all of his family. We had so much fun spending Christmas week with his parents, siblings, and siblings-in-law. I'm continually reminded that I married into such a fun family.

Even though I love the Wilsons, the thought of not seeing my family at all over the holiday made my heart hurt. But we started looking for plane tickets a little late. So we drove to Colorado instead. It's a two-day drive, and really, it's not all that bad.

We did hit some fog on the way over.

And then we hit black ice on the way back. We spun all the way around and hit our back bumper a few times on the concrete wall of a tunnel, and both Josh and I were completely freaked out. We were in a tunnel on a blind curve, where no one could see us. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we were actually in serious danger for a bit.

Then a man named John pulled over. He works for the fire department in Winter Park and had emergency flares in his trunk. He used the flares to alert other drivers that there was an accident, and he stayed with us until the highway patrol came and temporarily stopped traffic. John was a miracle for us. I don't want to think about what could have happened if he wasn't there to indicate to other drivers that we were there.

Another miracle, our car suffered primarily cosmetic damage. Nothing mechanical. We had the tire balance checked on Sunday morning, but everything is fine. Completely fine. And Josh and I are fine. Good, actually. Really, really good.

We got back into Portland a few hours later than we'd originally planned, but we made it safe. And I'm so, so grateful for the time I could spend with my family. Driving was worth it.

Because our accident turned out a-okay, my biggest not-so-good right now? Having to wake up at 6:00 a.m. yesterday to go to work.

food for thought

The lesson in Relief Society was really good today. It was the presidency message and talked about how we are daughters of God, His treasures, His divine children and how we should and can remember that. Here are some of the things that stood out to me:

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently": This is a quote from a story the teacher read, and I love it. We should treat ourselves and our relationships differently if we want them to last forever, and further, God treats us differently because we're going to last forever.

God loves us the way He does--unconditionally, all encompassing, absolutely, flaws and all--because He's God. Yes, He expects things of us and values our devotion and obedience, but He will love us wholly regardless of choices, good or bad. He can love that way because He's God; and as beings with divine potential and heritage, we can learn to love that way too. The word worth means "inherent value." I love that.

In the midst of this discussion, I was reminded of my experiences from the beginning of the semester. When I was so hurt and confused, it would have been easy to feel bad about myself and my life. But instead, God gave me unmistakable manifestations that I am His daughter, that I am of infinite worth, that I am loved beyond my comprehension. Remembering that brought tears to my eyes. God doesn't make us seek to know our worth--He'll require us to seek for guidance and answers--but He will never hesistate to let us know that we are His children, that we are divine, and that we have a holy and celestial inheritance. That confirmation will always be there when we seek it.

Any thoughts?

Roller Coaster Semester

I can't quite believe that it's already December, that the last day of class is less than a week away, that I'll be back home for Christmas in two weeks. Anyway, I just wanted to give the blogosphere and my small audience updates and reassurance about my rocky-start semester. (I realize some of my earlier posts this semester did not inspire confidence in my functionality.)

September was a bad month. To the max. And October was a bit on the rocky side sometimes too. I was making big decisions while having to deal with hard realities. The drama of the past few months was unsolicited and a little ridiculous (I'm harking back to my my-life-is-a-movie post). But I made it through. And I'm okay. In fact, right now I'm more than okay—I'm great.

Yes, I was a little heartbroken at times, and yes, I was often discouraged, but after all of that, my testimony and faith grew. Heavenly Father knows what He's doing—and seriously, let's all be thankful for that!

And while the semester turned out pretty good in the end, I am not sad to be saying goodbye!

Impressions

In Sunday School and Relief Society today we talked about temples and temple work and as the teachers taught and we discussed I was struck with gratitude for my parents' temple marriage. Their decision to be married for time and all eternity completely defines our family and fully defined my childhood and continues to define my relationship with each of my family members. Knowing that I'm sealed to my parents and siblings for eternity adds a depth and bond to each of those relationships that couldn't be there otherwise.

In one class we talked about the mission of Elijah and the turning of the hearts of children to fathers (and vice versa). We started talking about the how the "earth would be utterly wasted at his [Christ's] coming" if this turning of hearts didn't happen. Without the keys of the priesthood, without the power to bind families together forever our entire mortal experience would be in vain. Everything we've worked for would be wasted if we couldn't be sealed to our spouses, children, parents, siblings.

I'm so blessed to be sealed to my family, immediate and extended. My family are my favorite people, and I can't imagine not being with them in the eternities.

just amazing

Mom came out last weekend. You can read about it here. It was just amazing, and I'm just so floored by gratitude that she's my mom forever.

enough is enough

Okay, Charlotte. Life hasn't gone how you thought it would the past little while, and you know, it's been hard. And then the other day you found yourself feeling like you'd been punched in the stomach: that one thing happened that just compounded everything and made everything feel like it was crashing in on you.

But you know, in spite of all that, even though you've been feeling so out of control of your life lately, you've experienced miracles--true miracles. In the moments when you've felt the most alone, you've been reminded of how many people love you and are rooting for you. You've been blessed with a heightened ability to see the beautiful things in your life. You have beyond incredible friends and a seriously amazing family.

Let's reassess your miraculous life:

• It's a real miracle that you're doing as well as you are. You've kept a sense of who you are and what you deserve from life. Your functioning of the past few days has been a direct answer to prayer--it's not you. It's 100 percent the Atonement.
• You've been blessed with an increased ability to better understand and implement the Atonement. Your faith is stronger than you thought.
• You have motivation for school. You like your classes, you like your job--you want to excel. You know you have a future. You remember what Sister Holland said: "The future holds everything for us."
• You have a great calling (compassionate service committee member). You have the opportunity to step outside of yourself and serve others.
• You've realized that you can take control of your uncontrollable life and make to-do lists and put together motivational playlists on your iPod. You want to clean the bathroom, do your laundry, pick up your room, and be productive.
• At the same time, you know that it's okay to be sad sometimes. You don't have to be 100 percent okay right away or all the time. You're dealing with deep disappointment, and that won't go away overnight.
  

So, Charlotte, enough is enough. Decide now to be happy. Keep an eternal perspective. Have faith. Live your beautiful and miracle-filled life. You're not broken.

I hate to see you cry
lying there in that position.
There's things you need to hear,
so turn off your tears
and listen.

Pain throws your heart to the ground;
love turns the whole thing around.
No it won't all go the way it should,
but I know the heart of life is good.

You know, it's nothing new,
bad news never had good timing.
But, then your circle of friends
will defend the silver lining.

Pain throws your heart to the ground;
love turns the whole thing around.
No it won't all go the way it should,
but I know the heart of life is good.

Pain throws your heart to the ground;
love turns the whole thing around.
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood,
But I know the heart of life is good.
I know it's good.

~John Mayer, "The Heart of Life"

The heart of your life is good.

The Knight Bus

I'll go only as far to say that the title of this post is--surprise, surprise--a reference to reality-escaping HP.

I was planning on making use of the UTA this semester to get to work, but now that I have no car, I don't even have the option of ever driving to work. So yesterday morning, the bus it was. I spent significant time trying to decipher the UTA bus schedules and routes and thought I had it figured out. Alas. . . .

Yesterday morning I walked out to where the bus was supposed to pick me up, and . . . I caught the southbound bus. Not the northbound bus. Totally my fault. I ended up at Provo Towne Center.

Sham. Mit.

What else could I do? I called Emily to tell her about my moronic bus knowledge and started trekking back up University Avenue. I paused HP and said a little prayer. I was trying to hold it together and not cry, but I felt so incredibly stupid. I turned HP back on and just stared at my feet hitting the pavement.

Then, a miracle. The exact bus I needed--northbound--pulled up next to me, and I don't think I was even next to a bus stop. There must have been some kind of spiritual neon sign sticking out of my head that said, "This girl could have a breakdown if she has to walk from Provo Towne Center all the way to 900 East and University Parkway."

I was only fifteen minutes late to work.

Miracle. Seriously.

English major's nightmare

I was ready for a few hours at the library. I had my smuggled 32 oz. of Big Gulp Pepsi and was pumped to get some quality work done on my critical theory research paper. I put my flash drive into my computer and clicked on the folder that housed my document. And I was consequently informed that the file or document was corrupted and unreadable. It wasn't saved on my computer, because I'd been working on the school computers all week. My paper was gone, kaput, corrupted.

. . .

I sat at the desk and cried for at least fifteen minutes--tears literally streaming down my face. Seriously. My whole heart sank at the reality that I had to rewrite the first four pages of my research paper. Having to rewrite four pages of a paper would be a bummer anyway, but rewriting four pages of a critical theory paper?? You've got to be kidding.

After I grieved, I bit the bullet and dived back into my paper. I buckled down and was able to rewrite what I'd lost and then continue to write a bit more, reaching a good stopping point for the night around midnight. The rewrite isn't as good as what I had the first time, but oh well; it's rewritten, and now I just have to make sure I can finish this fifteen-page paper by next Thursday at five. Dad was trying to find some application that could restore my files from my flash drive, but I decided to just start rewriting anyway; if there wasn't a way to restore the file, then I would have lost even more time to write.


It turned out okay, though (especially with the Caramello bar Katie gave to me earlier this week). Emily posted a shout-out to my dire situation on her blog, and I definitely felt the Lord's strength in getting me through the evening. Something was a little off, because I found I kept leaving out words in my sentences, and I didn't always agree my subjects with my verbs (it was bizarre--I don't know what misfired in my brain), but it got done.

And last night, I felt the true power of solidarity and tender mercies: I was texting my parents, who we giving me cheers and encouragement, and honestly the blog comments were so bolstering. Emily left me a spirit-lifting Post-It on the car for me to see when I finally left campus, and I ran into my friend Emily (different from my sister :) ), who gave me a conciliatory hug, and I saw my rooommate Katie in the LRC. Even though I suffered a significant academic misfortune, things turned out okay. I felt loved last night, and even more than needing my paper to magically reappear, I needed to feel loved. Thanks :)

reflection on becoming: 2008 word

My word for 2008 was become. Really this could be a word for this life and the life beyond this one, so I could easily go without ever picking another word on which to focus my personal development, because in reality, becoming is the whole point of our existence. However, I do better with some change in focus, and I'm more motivated to keep working when my focus slightly changes. (My 2009 word I think falls in line with the tenor of my 2008 word, but that will wait for another post.)

I loved this focus. I loved altering my perspective to encompass my potential rather than what I am. I grew closer to my Father in Heaven when I remembered who I am destined to become--viewing life through this lens altered how I saw myself, how I saw others, my decisions, my mentality, my reactions.

I better realize that becoming requires an eternal perspective, especially given that in this life we won't ever be what we're ultimately supposed to be in the eternities. When it comes down to it, God only cares about who I am--not about the mistakes I make. Of course I can't become who He wants me to be by making poor choices, but those choices are only a means to what our Father really cares about--who we are in the end.

I've made the conscious decision to live in such a way that I like myself. I want to love the person I am and so consequently strive to act accordingly. I'm definitely not saying that I've succeeded 100 percent in these efforts, but by being at least aware of this desire, I feel that I can eventually reach that place.

I've seen that when my primary goal is to become more like my Savior and when I surrender my will to my Father's, God empowers me. I had a significant experience this year where I realized that I am much more on my way to becoming than I thought I was. In said experience, my most important concern was doing what the Lord wanted me to do. This trial drew on for months, and despite the pain involved, I came out victorious, realizing that my primary concern of acting in according with Heavenly Father's will made me become more of the person I want to be, without me even recognizing it at the time. With that desire, I am changed even when I don't see it immediately.

This was a remarkable year for me. I've had several life-changing experiences, and I've learned so much in my relationships with family, friends, boys, and most importantly, my Father in Heaven. I come out of 2008 so much more aware of people and how we can be instruments in God's hands, helping others become in our own becoming journeys.

I've tried to see each of my experiences as a chance to become. This mortal life is the only one we have, and we are meant to have joy; the best (and really only) way to that joy is through becoming like our Heavenly Father. None of my experiences have to be pointless--I can learn something in everything. I've realized that becoming is so much more than I ever thought it was. This really could be a lifelong word, and I'm hoping that my subsequent annual words can build on and tie into each other.

I love my life. I love who I'm becoming. I love the person Heavenly Father sees in me, even though I don't always see her.

productivity miracle

As I'm sure you can gather from my couple of posts from last week, school has been crazy lately. I feel as if I'm drowning in reading assignments, papers to write, and sleep deprivation. I had lots to do for Friday's classes, and Thursday night after class, I felt so overwhelmed and inadequate. I saw such a huge and looming pile of responsibilities that I thought there was no way I could ever fulfill. I knew I needed to get started on everything I needed to do and decided to read my scriptures before I got started.

I took out my copy of Preach My Gospel and flipped to where I left off last time I studied from there. The section I read was about faith, and it had some scripture references at the end, so I looked them up. I read all of Ether 12. A few verses resonated with me:

verse 6: "I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I couldn't see a way that I could do everything, so I needed to exercise some faith.

verse 27: "and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I just felt so weak physically, mentally, emotionally--I don't have to feel that way.

verse 41: "And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever." I needed to seek Christ in my time of need.

After I finished reading, I knelt down and prayed that I would be able to accomplish what I needed to. I expressed my feelings of inadequacy, exhaustion, and state of being overwhelmed. I prayed for power, for a miracle.

When I sat down to start everything, I had the impression to take out my internet cable and turn off my phone. The night from then on out was amazing: I knew how much time I should spend on everything, when I should tackle each task, what to write. I finished everything I needed to in record time, and I was ready for bed before I had to register at midnight.

It was a true miracle. There was no way I'd ever be able to complete everything that was on my to-do list by myself. With Heavenly Father's power, I was motivated, inspired, and uplifted. My sour, pessimistic mood dissipated almost immediately. I felt strength from a source completely outside myself. I was able to focus, synthesize, and produce good work.

It was a miracle.