34ish weeks--a freak-out
I've been reading everything I can about birth, nursing, and babies, and I think I've reached the point where rather than informing me (which has been great), my reading is now freaking me out. I'm overwhelmed with the uncertainty of all this change in my immediate future, change that I know is coming but change that I don't really know.
Yes, I know that I'll be up in the middle of the night--probably all night sometimes--and I know that lots of days I'll feel like a zombie, but I don't really know how this will affect me emotionally or mentally. I don't know how I'll change.
My mind is flooded with questions: How long will it take me to find a routine? How will I know how to comfort and reach out to my babe? Will Josh and I ever have time for each other? And what about all that laundry? I hate laundry. And underlying everything, Will I be able to find balance, to find a way to be me in the metamorphosis of motherhood?
Babe has roughly six weeks before he debuts, and sometimes six weeks seems so far away and sometimes it feels so close that my heart starts palpitating and my mind blanks in panic. The bottom line is this: I've had months and months to prepare for this, and six weeks out I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or what I'm going to be doing or how I'm going to do it.
Six weeks. Babe is coming whether or not I'm ready, and something tells me that I'll never be ready, so I might as well accept it now and trust that I'll figure out motherhood and me as I go.