close to heaven

In looking back through this blog, I realized that I never followed up with the story of my cousin Julie and her daughter, Ayla. Ayla passed away on January 15, at a little over four months of age. Julie joined us in Denver for part of our stay and had the opportunity to meet Asher. Her stay was full of tender moments, and we were sweetly reminded that heaven isn't so far away.

When Julie held Asher for the first time, I could see that Asher already knew who she was, Ayla's mother. He gave her big smiles and infectious giggles. We all agreed that Asher knows Ayla, that perhaps he is still close enough to the veil to interact with those on the other side.

Before Julie's arrival, though I was so excited to see her, I was hoping that Asher's presence wouldn't deepen her own pain. Julie expressed to me that on the contrary, Asher not only comforted her but also made her feel more closely connected to her angel babe. As we talked openly of Ayla and her life, I felt myself healed some. We shared both laughs and tears, rejoicing in God's plan of happiness for us.

Babes, whether in this life or in the one beyond, are sacred and precious. Though I felt it impossible, the love I hold for my son deepened further that weekend, for I witnessed the joy he could bring to a still-grieving mother. I feel the holiness of my calling to love and raise this boy. Both he and Ayla came straight from heaven, and both of their lives remind me that heaven is close.

For more about what I believe about mortality, heaven, and families, please visit here.


month 7

:: Month seven has been delight.
:: He's still sitting like a champ. Clearly.
:: But no crawling yet.
:: He'd have to spend time on his tummy for crawling.

:: And that just doesn't ever go well.
:: Obviously.
:: Month seven did bring a tooth, though.
:: See it?

:: Standing is still a favorite way to be.
:: And that drool is ever present.
:: Honestly, I'm kind of over the drooling.
:: But I have no say in that.

:: We spent some time in Denver during month seven.
:: Asher met Moosey.
:: He thinks he should like the dog, but isn't sure if he actually does.

 :: He warmed up to my family right away.
:: And that was the best thing I could have asked for during that trip.

:: Asher reaches and lunges and grabs.
:: He's wiggly and squirmy and curious.
:: He takes such charge in interacting with his world, and I love it.
:: Most of the time.
:: Church squirming is not my favorite kind of wiggle.

:: I have a hard time getting candid pictures of this boy.
:: He sees the camera and flashes a smile.
:: What a little ham with the best little ham hocks.

:: Asher has mostly conquered the sippy cup.
:: Sometimes that super diluted apple juice just ends up all down his onesie.
:: But often it ends up in his tummy.

:: Strangers comment on his fuzzy hair almost everywhere we go.
:: I can't blame them.
:: It's fabulous.

:: Asher is way more aware of me and Josh as his parents.
:: He does the mommy dive more.
:: It warms my heart when he reaches for me.

:: There's something about month seven that has been so magical.
:: I marvel at this boy's person: his body, his mind, his spirit.
:: Sometimes I'm stopped still with the fact that Asher is my son and that I get to be his mother.


snow day

Remember what constitutes a snow day for Portlandians? I'm sure you can imagine my delight at the snow that started falling last night and continued through today. While all the Denver locals are lamenting this spring snow, my snow snobbery relishes the snowfall—this is the most snow I've seen in three years!

We've commemorated the weather with cocoa, Wreck It Ralph, and cinnamon rolls, and we might venture out later this evening to the outlets for some more shopping. So far this trip has been perfect, and this bona fide snow day has been the cherry on top.


from the 303

I'm sitting in my parents' living room as I'm typing this, and it's bliss. Asher just went down for a quick catnap before Mom gets home from work and we go fabric shopping. Being home involves so many wonderful things--salmon dinners, endless Diet Pepsi, a cozy guest suite--and I just wish that Mr. Wilson could have joined us on this trip.

The babe is sleeping remarkably well so far, and I get giddy thinking about all this trip has in store for me this week. Now, I think it's time for my midday soda, thank you very much.


a red-letter day

College took me four years to complete, and when I left I emerged with not only a degree but also some debt. While a common situation, I lamented my debt and at first felt guilty about it when Josh and I decided to get married. (See, Josh made it through college with a full-tuition scholarship; sometimes he's so silly that I forget how crazy smart he is. Don't tell him I told you.)

So, I am thrilled to announce that last week

we paid off my student loans.

Josh earned a big bonus at work, and we were a little torn on what to do with it. (The possibility of leaving apartment living for good and diving into home ownership was so tempting.) We decided to pay off those loans, and boy, does it feel marvelous. Loan balance: $0.00. Zero dollars

When I was working, great portions of my paychecks chipped away at those loans, but really I have to thank my hardworking, genius husband for earning most of the money that paid back my loans and also for not incurring any debt himself. (Now how about he earn another bonus to get us into a house, yeah?) He's the bread-winner who wins the whole damn bakery.


an exhibition of car seats

I'm pleased to present a series of the babe and his car seats.

{I call this, I can't believe he was ever this tiny, in Graco SnugRide 30}

{Straightjacket, in Graco SnugRide 30}

{A Welcome Upgrade, in Britax Roundabout 55}


pink pants

First off, isn't the world sunnier and brighter when you aren't fighting with your husband? My world looks a million times more wonderful when Mr. Wilson and I like each other. In fact, it's so much more wonderful that I went to the LOFT to browse spring styles. And I happened upon this pair of pink skinny jeans.

{The clothing pictured above is not the actual clothing I found at the store, but it sure is close}

And then I happened upon a white-navy striped cardigan with a coral band. And both were on sale. So I tried on the skinny jeans. Obviously. They were the "super skinny" cut and, frankly, looked like they were painted on my legs. I couldn't even pull them up all the way. Even though the employee said that usually a size up works best for the super skinny jeans, they didn't have a size up, and I probably couldn't have dealt with the embarrassment of not fitting into another super skinny pair.

I bought the cardigan and abandoned the pants. But I couldn't forget those pants. When I got home, I thought of this sewing pattern I have, and I thought, Now those pants would look cute in pale pink.

So I went online and ordered a couple yards of pale pink stretch cotton. Because here's the thing: I want pink pants this spring, and if I can't buy them then I'll stick it to the super skinny jeans and make them instead.

What do you want to wear this spring?


be kind, rewind or fast forward or probably pause

I wish I could either rewind this day and start over or fast forward to Saturday to really put this day behind me. It's been an overly emotional day full of thoughts and emotions that battle each other to the point where I can't make head nor tails of any of it. In the middle of it all, Mr. Wilson and I aren't getting along today, and isn't it the worst to be in a fight with your best friend?

I'm diverting my hyperactive thoughts and tears into researching a bigger car seat for the babe, and my resolution is teetering between meeting everyone up for rock climbing or just staying home and throwing in the towel. Thankfully the babe has been a rock star today, smiling and laughing as if he knows that I need some cheering up.

What I really want to do is run away and go hang out at my mom and dad's, where we'd watch piled-up shows on the DVR and have popcorn for dinner. That's what I really want. And I guess that's going to happen in 10ish days, but today, 10ish days seems so far.

My reason and humility just found me and made me stare it straight in the eyes and it's saying that I need to make up with my husband and get with the program. It may not feel like it, but this day is close to over, and I get a second chance come sunrise. Or maybe sunset. Maybe today's sunset will bear that second chance I crave. Maybe I can even eek a reluctant smile out of this day. Maybe I don't need to rewind or fast forward, but rather hit pause and allow my feelings and my thoughts and my hurt to align so my soul can throw out that persistent pride.

It's time, here we go, pause. . . .


dressing boys

I'll admit that when we learned Babe was a boy, the frilly part of me was just a little disappointed that I wouldn't be buying lace and ruffles and jeggings and Mary Janes.

I am here to witness, however, that dressing boys is awesome. I've fallen in love with the collars and slacks, the argyle and elbow patches. I love the dinosaurs, elephants, and stripes, the corduroy and the denim.

Baby boy is sharp and dapper, and I have more fun shopping for him than I do for me. He's certainly the best dressed among the three of us, and my heart both melts and hurts when I see him in jeans and a t-shirt, already looking like a little, fuzzy-headed boy.

I hope that I'll have at least one girl to doll up and sew dresses for, but I tell you, I don't ever get sick of dressing this handsome baby boy.


time for the tulips

Yesterday I took down the sparkly snowflakes I had hanging up since Christmas, and I placed the tulips that I bought for my church lesson on the table.

It felt marvelous. I know I've written about tulips before. And I probably will again, because they're the most perfect flower. It's almost springtime, people. The snowflakes, while pretty, had their time, and now it's time for the tulips. Follow my blog with Bloglovin


short, short stories

:: I felt super Oregonian and granola-y when I went to Whole Foods to buy barley for the babe, with the babe carried in a locally made sling. So there I was buying my barley and steel-cut oats when I gave myself away as a phony by explaining away Asher's aloofness with the fact that he'd just had his shots. The cashier looked at me askance at my confession that yes, I do indeed vaccinate my child.

:: We were walking out to the car after a doctor appointment, and as I'm approaching our parking spot, I see a black Kia Soul start to drive away. I was stunned, thinking that I was watching someone steal my car. Turns out another black Kia Soul parked right next to mine. Crisis averted.

:: Last night when I was working on a sewing project, I found small smears of prunes on it. That's what you get when your sewing space is the same space as the baby eating space, right?

:: I propped Asher up in front of his play-gym (which converts to facing out for this sitting-up babe). He enjoyed it for a few minutes before he toppled backward. When I tried to sit him up again, he staunchly refused and expressly said that he'd rather stand up.

:: I've been cleaning up the mold that grows in our windows and sliding doors. It's gross, and I hate it.
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