Sometimes when people ask me what I do, I'm bold, and I say that I write. I'm not that bold very often, but it happens sometimes. And then promptly I feel guilty, deceptive. Because here's the thing: I certainly don't make a living on writing--I don't make any money on writing currently. I write on this blog, and I write for myself, and I think about how much I'd love to be a bona fide writer.
Sometimes I feel like I spent all this time in college honing these skills that I love, and now they're sitting next to me, desperately wanting to be profitably used and recognized. Sometimes I feel that if my college professors and editing friends knew how much I'm not an editor or writer that I'd be letting them down. Sometimes I wonder if, in a professional sense, I'm letting my college self down. And I don't like that. At all.
Can I call myself a writer when I haven't done any real professional writing in over a year? Can I be a writer when I dream about it more than I actually do it? Can I be a writer now that I'm away from the abundant writing opportunities of college? And here's the ultimate question: If I can figure out writing now, can I still be a writer when the baby comes?
When this baby comes, ultimately I want a healthy balance between mothering and writing. And of course that means that first I have figure out how to start really writing. I don't want these passions and talents that are so important to me to fade, and I don't think they were meant to. I read this post by a good friend and knew that that's what I wanted. I want balance. I want my baby to have a mother who values her talents and uses them, a mother who can find fulfillment in many things.
So here's the thing: I don't want to disappointment myself by not pursuing things important to me. So today I'm going to call myself a writer and find ways to make it happen more fully.
I want to be a mother and a writer. I want to make it real.