The past few days have been pushing me down, making me second-guess my decisions as a mother and sometimes a wife. Why is it that one day motherhood can lift me up and make me feel so confident and the next make me feel inadequate and unsure? Lately I've been feeling uncertain, thinking How did I ever think that I could be given charge over such a perfect, wonderful, joyful soul when I, myself, am so lacking?
I feel like all I do is experiment, pretend like I know what I'm doing: Will feeding him before bedtime help him sleep better? Should I go in at night to put the pacifier in, or should he just cry it out? Can I even handle crying it out? How can I make sure he doesn't get overstimulated when he's awake? But what if I'm not doing enough with him? How can I set boundaries for growth and still show him how much he's loved? And looming in the recesses of mind, What if I fail him?
I don't know if these thoughts really have a conclusion tonight, but there they are, typed and published, my vulnerability showcased to the masses. So, that's that, I suppose (probably my lamest conclusion to date).
6 comments:
You know...I have many of the same thoughts as a teacher too. Motherhood is a new thing for you (captain obvious here), so you shouldn't expect yourself to know exactly what you should be doing or how to do it. You are doing a great job and I'm humbled watching you. I think the best thing is to keep doing what you're doing (cause you're doing a fabulous job!) and try to not let those shadows of doubt cloud your judgement. After consulting the "experts" (parents, books, friends), it ultimately comes down to what you and Josh feel to be best for Asher. I love you three!! xoxo
Let me know if you ever figure this out! Every time I think I've gotten a handle on motherhood the kids move on to another phase and I end up feeling like a failure again! Thank goodness for prayer!
You are not alone! I think every mother has those feelings! I think it is especially hard the first year, and late at night :) I think you just have to do what you feel is best, regardless what others say or think or you read. LaVon told me the best advice, she said "love doesn't spoil". Just love and snuggle and enjoy your time with him, you are an awesome mom! I've decided that I can't worry too much, because they grow and change so much, what works one day doesn't work the next...so I do my best each day, and know that that is all God expects ...something that is easier said than done! Also, make sure you are getting some one on one time with Josh and some good you times! Take advantage of your babysitter! It does wonders to get away for a bit and it's good for Asher too. Love you!
Charlotte, I agree with Jessica. I believe every mother has those feelings. Motherhood is such a big transition and it is sooo hard! You should read this article: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child (sorry I don't know how to insert a link in a comment).
I think motherhood is probably a lifelong learning process. You have one baby and it's so hard, but then you eventually gain the capacity to do it. Then you have two and you feel like your world has collapsed again (at least that's how I felt), and after a lot of tears and work you finally get your head above water again.
The things you need to remember are (1) you do have a Father in Heaven who is Asher's parent too, and He knows him even better than you do--He knows how to help Asher and how to help you; and (2) motherhood is a divine, ennobling calling that brings the greatest of sorrows and the greatest of joys. Not only that, but just because you become a mother does not automatically make you perfect at the job. There's a big learning curve, but you will learn and you will get your head above water.
Charlotte, you are awesome and you just love that cute little Asher, depend on the Lord, and the rest will come with time and hard work.
Sometimes I go through the awesome mom to terrible mom cycle multiple times a day. I keep a running score for the day in my head.
My mother-in-law always said, "They'll grow up in spite of you." And they do! It just doesn't keep the guilt away. It comes with the territiory. :-)
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