lighting the way

I guess when I make specific goals--especially for personal development--I'm put right into the line of fire. This week has just been kind of blah. I'm adjusting to my new school schedule, which is significantly different from last semester's; dealing with a bit of homesickness, which isn't nearly as bad as last year's; and feeling frustrated because I can't see the whole picture.

I feel that I'm at a place in my life where there are so many things I don't know. I'm living the way I'm supposed to, and I'm proceeding with my life plans that are in my control; that's just about all I can do right now. Sometimes I just feel out of control of so many things, and most of them aren't even really a big deal. And I don't feel out of control in a bad, downward-spiral way, just a frustrated way.

I like to know what's ahead, and I like to know what to expect. I inherited from my mom an affinity for plans--if there's a plan, I'm good to go. Regarding my life right now, however, I know there is a plan--I just don't know it all now. And that's been frustrating me. I just want to know!

I was reading the blog of one of my sister's friends, and this friend wrote something so profound:

"But God is talking. When you listen, he talks, and he has smart things to say. The pain of growing up is nothing compared to the pain of staying inside a self that is too small for you. Christ looks after us at every instant. The small price we pay in return is to trust that he will not let us fail."

Tolstoy, in War and Peace, articulates another insight:

"No, nothing is certain, nothing but the nothingness of all that we can understand, and the splendour of something we can't understand, but we know to be infinitely important!"
**To that I add my opinion that we can understand some things in this life that are in no way insignificant**

I can only be certain about a few things in this life, the most important of which being that my Father in Heaven loves me. He knows me for me and loves me for me. I was listening to the newest Hilary Weeks album this morning and felt so intensely the manifestation that God loves me and knows of my current frustrations. I wasn't given a sudden revelation detailing out the rest of my life, and my mind wasn't put to rest regarding any of the specific situations that have been frustrating me; but I was reassured that I am so intensely loved--a splendor of something that I can't fully understand or comprehend--and that I need to trust my Father to light my way.

This is one of my first challenges for my word this year; God will light my way, even if I can't see the whole way. I just have to keep pressing forward, trusting that as I move forward there will still be light.